Continuing the exploration of the ‘shocking self-discovery’ encountered at the beginning of the cycle, I’m now at a place of ownership. I can see how the judgement and subsequent denial of my socio-economic roots have undermined my self-respect and my self-actualization.
The truth of who I am is that my families of origin didn’t fare well according to society’s standards. At the age of three, I learned from listening to adult conversations that I was disadvantaged and destined to a sad future.
It takes a lot of energy to hide from the anger and shame that come with being an object of pity and feeling ‘less than’. Rather than show my vulnerability, I’ve sought to prove my superiority by hiding my inferiority.
Looking back, it’s obvious that I’ve managed to both survive and thrive despite my ancestry. The gift I might have unwrapped sooner is the awareness and acknowledgement of my inherited strengths. The confidence to persist and succeed, born of my father’s faith in my intelligence and my mother’s efforts to make me self-sufficient.
Releasing the idea that my heritage is a condemnation. Accepting the sadness that accompanies that part of who I am. Having compassion for my family and myself. Trusting that owning my history will allow me to move forward without the old envy and fear.
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